# 566

Posted: 09/10/2009 11:38

Hi, no it's just women that I'm focusing on at the moment. But urgently need personal stories that will be used anonymously from women that have had an affair.

# 565

Posted: 08/10/2009 19:08

hi

what about men who have affairs,

# 564

Posted: 07/10/2009 16:24

Hi, I'm writing a feature piece for a newspaper on extra marital affairs and desperate for some anonymous stories on the subject from women who have cheated. It would be 100% anonymous - can anyone in this bracket please contact me? thanks, Chrissie

# 563

Posted: 05/09/2009 21:57

hi battydee

my so called brother in law is not such a nice person, having one affair was bad , but then he did it five times, he treathened me over the phone as i wouldnt let my sister talk to him, he said that he knew where i lived and that he was going to come down and kick my door in and kill me. I said to him that was a huge mistake, as i called the police, they came and i told them what had happened, my sister told me do the right thing and have him charged, he regretted it, as he told my niece,  so i didnt press charges againist him as i was thinking of my godson and his sister and brother, i couldnt care less about him ,i didn't want my nephews and neice hurt,but to this day i cant even look at him.

# 562

Posted: 04/09/2009 21:31

hi batty dee

thank you so much for that mail,

# 561

Posted: 03/09/2009 23:02

Hi Purple,

I'm so sorry i haven't responded sooner, its no excuse but i was up the walls with different things and returned home to my parents for a little holiday/time out from it all with my little daughter. I have read all your posts since and just can't comprehend the torture you and your family have gone through as a result of your sisters husband. I can completely understand how you feel now. I cannot believe your sister and her husband said such things about your autistic son.................i mean your sister is his aunt and aunties are supposed to love their nephews and nieces unconditionally almost as if they are their own kids. To say such a thing about your son is unbelievable. My mother teaches a lovely little girl with autism and my mom really enjoys it and its almost as if this girl is part of our family the way my mom dotes on her. This girl has come on leaps and bounds since my mom became her teacher and its fantastic. Their is such a stigma out their in the world about autistic children and its just not right. Obviously you know yourself that people who suffer from autism are classed as having a higher intelligence than most people but just have a little difficulty in expressing themselves. Sorry, i'm drifting away there from the main topic, but i just can't believe a sister or auntie would say such a hurtful thing.

There is nothing i can say really, from what you have told me i think the damage is probably not repairable as long as your sister stays with her hsband. Its such a pity to have somebody come between you both but i can understand how it has come about. I am sorry, plus the story her husband put out about your husband its just spiteful and probably jealousy on her husbands part.

I do hope your sister can find strength to leave him because he does sound like an awful man, but i feel she is probably too scared to realise the truth, like a lot of women out there.

I do hope you are ok and sorry again for not replying sooner. all the best.

# 560

Posted: 02/09/2009 15:24

Most people who have affairs are pushed to it. Not that it is a justification, but someone who is happy doesn't just have an affair for the sake of it. Of course there are the few who are incapable of fidelity but if you are talking about someone who has been in an exclusive and committed relationship for a large period of time who goes and does the dirty then we need to examine the reasons why. Often, it is about emotional rather than physical needs and I say that from genuine experience.

# 559

Posted: 02/09/2009 13:16

Those things take time......and we all have our urges.  We're only human after all.

# 558

Posted: 01/09/2009 17:39

Yes, santagert that can happen but that doesn't justify an affair. Ypou can try to put the spark back, have marriage counselling or as a last resort seperate. Aat least the latter is honest

# 557

Posted: 01/09/2009 15:51

Sometimes love just dies

Sometimes you look at your spouse of 20 years and he is a stranger

Its not your fault, its not his fault

You are both nice people who no longer love each other

# 556

Posted: 31/08/2009 22:48

hi prettypolly

thats disgusting that u could consider this, u say u love your husband, and your kids, but dont want to split, maybe the spark has gone because your hubby may be going through a midlife crises, like all men do, as this stops them from having sex, have u ever thought about that, r may maybe he is going through a depression.. you should try and talk to him,think about this,

# 555

Posted: 31/08/2009 14:26

Polly, why not have fun and a bit of madness with your own husband, There are lots of ways to spark things up if you just use your imagination.

# 554

Posted: 31/08/2009 14:10

hi pretty polly

yes woman do have affairs too, but it does break up a marriage and it does hurt the kids too,

# 553

Posted: 29/08/2009 16:40

OK, all this seems to be about men having affairs. But what about women who have affairs??

I have been married 15 years and have 3 kids and love my husband and my family more than anything and do not want to get divorced or split up BUT the spark has definitely gone so what harm would it do to have mad sex with another man without any expectations of being with him in any other way? Maybe the occassional meal and fun but that's it. I am a woman who can quite easily separate sex from love...

# 552

Posted: 22/08/2009 21:43

hi battydee

i was just thinking the other night, my sister in law went through a very bad time when her husband had an affair. i will never forget when we were told her marriage is gone, we all thought that she had the best perfect marriage as her husband was the nicest person you could ever meet. My mother inlaw was so shocked she cried - this was 18 years ago but it's a thing you can't forget about. they had no kids, but they were ok, she was hyper, and still is today, he was always saying to her that he was going on meetings, which some of it was true, but then one evening he told her, she hit him many times, he was brusied, they are divorced now and he got married to the woman he had an affair with.

They have kids, but we have heard that they have since split up. my husband said one day serves her right as she broke up his sister's marriage, today she is going out with someone and is happy. Some people say affaire dont wreck a marriage-they do.

# 551

Posted: 22/08/2009 17:37

hi battydee

i was just wounder how u r,

# 550

Posted: 16/08/2009 22:30

hi battydee

i bumped into my sister yesterday, god i wanted the ground to open up, she called my name out so i couldnt ignore her, she was asking me about a test i was going for, i just said im going to get it this week, but she was,like nothing has happened, he was with her, but didnt come near me, as i would have let fly, , im sorry but i cant bear to look at him not after what he said about me and my husband,i told my son today and he said ma, i dont care about them nomore,, she put me through enough when we lived in her house, him he is a b*****d this is the way my son feels, so i with him on this, my son is autistic and he wont forget the way he was treated,he called her a s*****r. i give out to him over calling her that as she never slept around, but he cant stand the sight of neither of them an i have to be with him on this.

# 549

Posted: 10/08/2009 16:51

hi battydee

no you didnt offend me, and no, no-one knows the full extent of the reason why im not talking to her, but i will tell u a bit, when my sister, husband was found out about his affairs, he knew he was in the wrong, then all hell broke out with family, my husband didnt like the way she was being treated, then a few months later, we get a fone call, i take my sister in for a few weeks, then she goes back to her home, then takes him back, then another call, my father wants to c me, i go to his house,and im disgusted to hear what he had to say, my sisters husband put out in the area that my husband had slept with someone and i found out and that i got a beaten from my husband,i was shocked,i asked my father do u actually belive that rubbish, he said no, but needed to c u and talk to u about this. then i said she can f*** off now,the two of them, put that out. now my hubby is not the sort to have any arguments with anyone, but me,im different, then my sister threw in my face about my son who has autism, she said in anger one day no wonder he is like the way he is. yes she is terrified, but she took him back knowing well what he has done, no i dont think i will ever talk to her again, i dont hate her i just cant stand the fact that she would put out such rubbish about me, thanks for your mail, and im thrilled u r back talking to your sister, good luck, xxxx

# 548

Posted: 09/08/2009 03:06

Hi Purple,

I just saw your post and thought that when you you repliied to my post you  helped me so i feel i should reply to your post.  Firstly, let me say, I don't know what the ins and outs of your sisters relationship with her husband is or the ins and outs of your relationship with your sister is but from your message i can tell that you are quite frustrated by what is happening.

What I am about to say could be way off but I'll just say what it say it and hope you dont get offended by anything I say.  Firstly, I don't know if you are older or younger than your sister but I am going to guess that you are older or very close in age.  From  my own experience and this is entirely my own experience and not gospel or anything, but, I have an older sister who loves me very very much and there is a little over a year and a half between us.  She doesn't get on with my husband at all (she doesn't know he cheated on me) and well there was a misunderstanding betwen them a few years back and well my relationship with my sister suffered over it.  Like you and your sister we used to talk about everything together.   I can tell you love your sister very much, but you see your sister loves (or so I think she does) her husband, otherwise she would not still be with him.  I know for you this is really frustrating because you know he has had 5 affairs and you want better for her.  But, i'm guessing you sister is frightened..........I dont know how long your sister has been with this guy or whether they have children or how old she is, but i believe she is frightened of what life holds without him........I feel for you because you wish you still had that closeness with your sister but I'm guessing you are a very strong person and maybe your sister is not as strong and perhaps she isn't as close to you now because she knows that being with him is wrong but she doesn't want to admit it.  She knows you disapprove of their relationship and that is why she probably is not close to you anymore.  also she knows that you are probably right about her husband but she doesn't want to admit it.

One thing I can say though purple is that I'm guessing your sister misses you very much, i'm almost certain she wishes things weren't the way they are between you.  I certainly felt that way with my sister.  Its really hard for me to try and give an exact opinion of things as like i said i dont know what the history is between you and your sister and whether you have argued only about her husband or if there are other issues between you but all i can say is  that clearly your sister doesn't want to admit her marriage is a failure, she clearly loves this guy and cannot imagine life without him.  she more than likely knows she is wrong for feeling this way and wishes she had strength to leave him.  and she knows it is causing problems within the family but please dont give up on her purple, she needs you.  Maybe too much of time has passed and she feels she has burned her bridges with you and that your hatred for her husband extends to her too.  You see she might feel that you think she is foolish, and she is struggling with her own demons and she knows she is stupid to stay with him, and seeing you reminds her how stupid she is. 

Don't give up on her........she needs her sister in her life and her brother.  I'm back talking to my sister again and to be hinest the issue of my husband is a taboo issue with us and we don't really talk about him, but we are both trying.  we had a long chat and both admitted that we missed eachother in eachsothers lives and to be honest we are both trying.  I know my sister hates my husband but she has been making a great effort to be civil to him and i love her all the more for that. i  know that she would never put up with some of the things i have put up with and i envy her strength in all that.   At the end of the day, your sister is your family and i am guessing she misses you like crazy.  Obviously if you do manage to patch things up she will never discuss her husband freely with you because deep down she knows her husband is treating her badly but she loves him and she is scared of life without him.

  I really hope this helps, as i said i dont know the ins and outs of it all and hope i haven't got it all terribly wrong but i know your sister must miss you a lot.

I wish you the best of luck with things.

# 547

Posted: 06/08/2009 23:14

hi

my brother rang tonight, he was talking about my so called brother in law how me and my brother and sister aren't talking to my so called brother in law, he said we cant understand why he had to have five affairs on my sister. Once was enough, but then he did it again and again, and she took him back, not only had this affair nearly destroyed her marriage but destroyed her realtionship with her brothers and sisters. He is in his late 40s, he makes my skin crawl. I used to have a great sister relationship with my sister, we used to share everything, but thats all gone now, when ever she is in my mas she talks about her so called husband as if the moon shun out of his a***,this is what i have been told, I don't want to know is what i say.

# 546

Posted: 04/08/2009 18:43

hi all

yes i was waiting on that one, yes women too should be struck of by their husbands, get nothing, not even see the kids, that goes for males too,as i have said anyone that makes a mockery of there wedding vows should be ashamed. Ok people fall out of love, but dont go and have affair. Tell the person they aren't in love with them, that is better than them hurting finding out about them.

# 545

Posted: 04/08/2009 11:35

I'd say the very same thing buzz, no matter if it was a man or woman,  if you don't love your partner any more, be they male or female, if they are cheating or abusing you, leave for YOU, not anyone else. An affair only means bitterness for everyone.

# 544

Posted: 04/08/2009 09:20

What about women? xx

# 543

Posted: 31/07/2009 18:24

hi all

any man that has affairs  should be castrated. no joke.

# 542

Posted: 31/07/2009 16:18

Hello Mairee,  Thank you again for postiing  a response.  Knowing that there are people out there that have gone through this and come out on the other side is a great help.  I did speak with citizens advice today and went through my entitlements and options.  The lady i spoke with was very helpful. 

I do feel like this is all a very bad dream, but its not!!!!  I'm still working through a lot of emotions and decisions but you have been a great help.  Thank you very much.  I will let you know how i get on when i have made myy decision and gone through with it.  thank you so much.

# 541

Posted: 31/07/2009 15:04

buzz, I'd say if you don't love your partner any more if they are cheating or abusing you, leave for YOU, not anyone else. An affair only mean bitterness for all parties.

# 540

Posted: 31/07/2009 14:38

Hi Battydee

You know i was surprised at the fact that i actually found it difficult to write about this because i feel like it was another life i lived (which is also something positive)but when i read your post i remembered how awful it felt for me at the time and how wrong it would be of me not to try share some of it, if it could help in any way. It's an awful thing to be going through! I'm still fighting through some of the affects of it.

I too had very little money when i left, but i moved back to my parents and literally saved every penny i could. It was difficult and i had to make sacrifices!! As i was on maternity leave i didn't have to pay for childcare at that time, so that helped. Because i was married and had a job i wasn't entitled to anything from the state, just a tax credit. So my first bit of advice is to go somewhere (like citizens advice) and find out the actual facts about your entitlements, or if you cut your working hours, gave up your job etc.... what would you be entitled to. (Sorry i can't help you with this one). Your husband would also have to pay maintenance for the baby. Look into childcare options and try do your sums. i know it's a lot to do when you feel crap but i never did and that was one thing i regretted, but got there in the end. Also, don't be too hasty to leave your home if you can (another mistake i made), try get him to leave. I know you said you couldn't move back to your parents but for me that was the thing that helped me. It gave me breathing space and support.

I was already very lonely in my marriage as i didn't feel he cared too much about us either (surprisingly though he done everything possible to delay the legal seperation. but wasn't prepared to do anything to change). I realised one day that i couldn't feel anymore lonely than i already did and at least i would have hope for not feeling that way in the future. I always tried to meet up with my friends at least once a week/fortnight and would look forward to that.

I didn't join any groups although i did look for them but had no luck. Depending on where you're living you might find one and i'm sure they would be great help. You need support. Maybe even a mother toddler group would get you out of the house with your baby and give your mind a rest for an hour or two.

I'm sorry i can't make it sound easier, but i'm still standing after it all !!!!

Im here if you need to ask anything else. Don't put yourself under pressure to do anything in a hurry. You have just had a baby and that's a lot to take in and get used to, i know. If you decide to leave him or to stay with him, you will know that that's what you have to do and you will get there.

Goodluck, let me know how you get on if you can.

# 539

Posted: 31/07/2009 12:24

Thinking of having an "affair" in order to make the transition easier. Figure it will be easier to leave my partner if there is someone else?

# 538

Posted: 30/07/2009 19:36

Hello Mairee,

Thank you so much for posting on this. I'm so sorry for what you went through. Your strengthand courage is amaing to hear about. I was wondering you said that you left him, how did you manage financially? I know that is a rather personal question but my main worry is that well when i leave i don't think i will be able to return to work as i dont think i can afford childcare. Then I have been reading up on things such as lone parent allowance etc and most of these have stipulations regarding proof of separation and having to be separated for a certain length of time before you can get any assistance. i dont have much savings at all and well that is really my main worry about leaving. i dont know where to start. I had a full time job but on mat leave now but i really can't see any way of being able to afford rent and childcare on my wages.

Also, how did you cope with the loneliness of it all? I know you said your friends and family were there for you but my family live 100 miles away iin a small rural town and I cannot bear to return to live there. I do have friends in the city i live in but they all work mondays to fridays and today i was terribly lonely and just spent a few hours walking around the city with my baby. How did you cope with that aspect, were there any groups that you joined or anything like that?

i really appreciate you responding to my earlier post. Thank you such much. it makes me feel confident that i too can find the courage to leave.

# 537

Posted: 30/07/2009 19:25

hi battydee

dont worry about not getting back to me, i was just hoping that you were ok, have you talked to family yet as you need to, and a doctor, this will help you. its not right you having to go through this on your own,

# 536

Posted: 30/07/2009 14:57

Hi

I am so so sorry to hear your story.I was in a very similar situation to you just over 2 years ago and like you i was trying to get advice, wanting to know what to do. I was so lost!! I too had a child with my husband only 10 weeks old at the time when i left and like you i didn't know how i would manage on my own. There was the whole question of affairs like your own situation but with no answers and lots of lies, along with some other things. Just thinking back on it makes me feel sick. But what i can say is that i choose to leave and as he would not leave our home, i had to leave with the baby (i just couldn't be around him anymore). I'm not going to lie to you, it was a very hard time and a very testing time.I was very lucky to have great support from my family and friends. But now i can look back and i'm so sure that i done the right thing. I would have turned into an extremely unhappy person (not that i wasn't already there with his awful behaviour) and with absolutely no self esteem.Myself and my daughter have our own home now and we are very happy together. I am still trying to build my life back and at times it's still hard but i know i'm a lot further on now than i would ever have been if i stayed and put up with it. Thankfully i have no feelings for my x-husband anymore and now i can see right through him and all his lies. At the time somebody told me that things would get worse before they would get better and that was so true looking back. It doesn't get better overnight.I am trying to give you an honest account of how it was for me and all i can say on a positive note is that it was def the right thing for me and my little one.

I wish you the very best whatever your decision

# 535

Posted: 29/07/2009 18:07

Hello Purple,  i actually thought i responded to your message yesterday.  I wrote a long message out and hit the submit button but clearly i did it wrong......sorry.

Anyway, I would like to thank you for all your advice.  I am still trying to work out what to do.  I want to leave but i am frightened, not of him but frightened of being alone with my baby to care for all by myself.  Since i posted my original message i confronted him again and well got no joy at all.  I know i am fooling myself to think that he is sorry for his  actions or to think that he even cares about me at all.  I'm trying to find the courage to get out................

Thank you for all your advice, I'm sorry to hear about your sister and her relationship.  I hope i will be one of the strong ones who leave but i must admit its a lot harder to do than to say.

Thank you

# 534

Posted: 28/07/2009 18:31

hi battydee

how r u, .

# 533

Posted: 27/07/2009 20:11

hi battydee

im so sorry for what is happeneing to u, men that do this on their wives are scumb bags, u r only married a few years and have a new baby, your hubby has no respect for u. i would leave him, u wont be on your own, im sure if u told family they would help u, and they wouldnt like u to be hurt by what your hubby is doing on u, tell his family, his parents, i bet they will disown him and he would deserve that too, . my sister went through the same as u, now her family are all grown up. but he had affaire after affaire, right under her nose, she caught him and he just laughed at her, my sister was going to commit suicide. but she was stopped, we all said y should u give up your life and let him stay with his flousies. she threw him out then he got around her and she took pity on him and yes took him back,they celebrated their 25th last april, but we all said, it wasnt a marriage, she does even trust him, there has to be trust in a marriage if its going to last, but your hurting and i feel it for u, he is doing the dirt, i bet if that was u he would say get out, but men think they can get away with it, ah what me wife doesnt no , wont hurt her. thats there say, sorry but a man doing this on his wife and only having a new baby in the house is a flity pig, please go and seek help from both sides of the family,

# 532

Posted: 25/07/2009 00:35

I am in serious need of some advice from anybody who believes thay can help me......

I've just come to the realisation that my husband of almost 5 years has cheated on me since we first got together.  Trouble is he won't admit it and hasn't apologised for anything.  thing is it hasn't been only one woman it has  been many women.  I was so stupid for so many years.  Every so often i would have my suspicions that he was being unfaitfhful and would find text messages on his phone or else he would have bought a new sim card and have kept it secret from me.  When I'd find the messages or phones he would have some lame excuse for it saying "its my friends phone" or "my friend used my phone to text".  I always believed him because in every other way we seemed  very happy.  But in April I found a secret phone (actually an old phone of mine) that was stashed in his car that conveniently enough I have no key to.  I wasn't going to check the phone but then my mind told me I had to.....so i tried to check the phone but i had no pin number, so i took the sim card out and replaced it with my own and turned it on, all the messages he had sent were saved to the phone so i could see them.  He had been texting a number of women and it was obvious he was cheating.  I confronted him and he did the whole "that was my friend" thing again.  I was so angry because I was 8 months pregnant at the time.  He walked out that night and somehow managed to turn the whole situation back at me saying I should trust him more, and I violated his privacy etc.  I know it was wrong of me to check his stuff but surely I deserve an explanation for the messages????   I've tried to confront him a few times and he refuses to talk about any of it.....I did text some of the women and they admitted he had either asked them out or had been seeing them.  He even told one lady he did not believe our baby was his and told her he would leave me for her.  Now, I am totally at a loss at what I should do.  Our baby girl is 8 weeks old and I want her to have a father in her life but I can't bear to be around my husband.....knowing our marriage has been a lie all along.  He makes no attempt to apologise and thinks everything is fine between us, even though I wrote him a letter explaining how I feel.  he choses to ignore it and even wants to have sex.  Today he was groping me while I was holding our baby and I asked him to stop but its like he must have sex with me to prove something.  He scares me now, I've seen a truly different side to him.  I just dont know what i shoud do.  should I stay or go?  I'm not sure if I could handle being all alone with a child to support  (financially).  Can anyone please give me some advice.

# 531

Posted: 24/11/2008 12:03

I am no expert but the one thing you should remember is that if you fall out of love with someone you do not have an obligation to stay. You do not owe your wife an "extra eight years" to see if things will improve, but what you DO owe her is honesty, and the decency to make a clean break before you start seeing someone else.

# 530

Posted: 24/11/2008 12:03

On this planet too, men and women fall in love, marry and stay in love and no this is not impacted by crime or povrty. If you have fallen out of love with your spouse or partner and counsellig doesn't help - fine - split up divorce or seperate. No one in their right mind would suggest that two unhappy people stay togethr. But this does not provide an excuse for an affair. Split up certainly but do so first before you make a mockery of your promise with an affair and the lies it involves.

# 529

Posted: 22/11/2008 12:36

In an ideal world, maybe on Planet X somewhere, men and women fall in love and get married, and remain married and happy and faithful to each other for life. On this ideal planet, there is no war or crime either, no poverty and no hunger, certainly no divorces therefore all the children are happy, well balanced and perfect

There are many reasons for couples splitting up, and affairs are the symptoms of a marriage already in trouble.

So, what is the answer? Hard to know.

We would like to hold it all together for the sake of the children, for economic reasons, etc etc yet what if we just dont like our spouse any more, that no matter how much we try, the physical act of love becomes repugnant and nauseating? It happens, it was nothing they said or did, yet desire dies and despite all the self help books you read and the wise words of advice you recieve - you still dont want to make love to them anymore, you cant, every nerve shrinks . Does that make you a bad person? Reconnect, they tell you, rekindle the spark- candles, flowers, talk. Still nothing

Then what ? Get a divorce straight away? What do you say to your wife and children? You love them, you dont want to let them down. So, you stay on and make the best of it, you accept your responsibilities and for the next 8 years you live your faithful life, devoid of passion.

Then one day a person walks by you in the park, not young and skinny and beautiful, just an ordinary woman with an ordinary face and wham - something hits you in the gut and you cant breathe

Now what?

# 528

Posted: 19/09/2008 13:09

Money being the balance of power is also another good point patricia.

# 527

Posted: 19/09/2008 08:55

Lisa, if you are in a relationship with a man who even hints that if you were married to him, he would demean you so much as to attempt to tell you, you are not "allowed" to socilaise with your friends, I have one piece of advice for you - Run. Similarly for any man - if in the same situation you have a woman checking up on you, this is either a complete lack or trust, as you say lisa or a complete sense of insecurity. If the couple you knew broke up not becuase of infidelity on his part but because of paranoia on hers then infidelity didn't cause the break up paranoia did.